Managing Disappointment at the Holidays

Disappointment is not often a word that comes to mind when we think about the holidays. When thinking about the holidays, we think of words like joy, excitement, and happiness. For some of us, the holidays arrive wrapped in warm reunions, family meals, and picture-perfect moments. But for others, beneath the warm glow of tradition and harmonious moments with our family, many people experience an onslaught of disappointments. We struggle with family dynamics that can feel unmanageable, frustrating or overwhelming. 

This disappointment manifests in various ways, some subtle and others not so subtle. Maybe a family member brings up a topic you want to avoid, or someone slips back into patterns you thought were long gone, or perhaps you feel yourself wishing for this day to end. Or, all the effort you poured into a beautifully decorated home or meal goes unnoticed. Maybe this is your first holiday together as a family after your grandmother has passed, or another loved one’s passing. There may even be a moment where you notice yourself feeling lonely in a room surrounded by people you love. 

None of this means you’re broken, or that there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re doing the holidays in the wrong way. It simply means you’re a human. 

Managing disappointment can be hard. Here are some ways to navigate the disappointment you may feel as you prepare for the holiday season: 

Set realistic expectations. 

Expect people to be consistent with who they really are, not who you want them to be. This doesn’t mean you have to expect the worst, but it’s important not to hope for an idealized version of a person. For example, if your sister always shows up late, don’t plan dinner around her. Know that she may be late, and plan the dinner around when you can realistically have the meals ready. 

Let go of the “picture-perfect” holiday. 

The pictures we see on social media of our friends enjoying the holidays often don't show the whole picture. Don’t fall into the trap of comparison. 

Know when to step away. 

Know that it’s okay to step outside for a breath or a quiet moment alone. Pay attention to what’s happening in your body—feel your heartbeat quicken or tighten? Are you starting to feel frustrated or overwhelmed? It might be time to step outside and take some time alone to regroup.  

Create rituals of joy outside of the family gathering or event. 

This can look like a short walk, watching a movie you love when you get home, giving a small gift to yourself, getting your favorite coffee on the way to the event, or a phone call with friends after (or before) family time. The purpose of this is to give yourself something to look forward to. 

It’s also important to remember that two things can be true at the same time. You can be feeling extremely grateful for time spent with family, while also wishing you had a different family dynamic. Joy and overwhelm can coincide, just like connectedness and overwhelm can. 

Hold space for your grief, don’t avoid it. 

Grief during the holidays can feel all-consuming. You’ve spent all year managing, and then suddenly you’re hit with a wave of grief and sadness, with the realization that this is your first Christmas without someone you loved dearly. Hold space for these feelings, and know that if you’re feeling these things, someone else in your family probably is as well. 

Or, maybe you grieve the family you never had. You grieve the fact that your children no longer speak to you or that you no longer speak to your parents, and holidays feel lonely. 

Whatever the case may be, know that disappointment is a normal feeling to experience during the holidays. After the celebrations end, give yourself a moment to reflect. What hurt more than expected? What worked this year? What would you like to handle differently next year? A simple time of reflection can turn disappointment into insight instead of resentment. Holidays are not about perfection or striving for happiness. They are about presence, connection, honesty, and a time for letting go of perfection amid the business and noise. When we stop chasing perfection, we can show up as ourselves: our messy, meaningful, and deeply human.

Written by Abby Fawbush, Candidate for Master’s in Clinical Counseling